By Jennifer Naparstek Klein, Psy.D., The Counseling Center

Sept. 4, 2024: Parents watching their own children participate in sports often feel some mixture of anxious, elated, and furious, depending on the circumstances.

Take a look at the 2012 video of Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman’s parents watching their daughter perform her floor routine.  You can find it on YouTube under “Crazy Olympic Parents.” One can relate to these squirming, anxious parents! If you have had a child compete in sports, you have likely had the powerful desire for them to, well, win. You’ve shared their elation and their crushing hurt; it can be a wild ride.

Here are six guiding principles to help you survive the bumps with your own mental wellbeing, and that of your child, intact.

Understand Your Feelings as a Parent

*You’re hard wired to protect your child from physical and emotional harm.

*It’s natural to get caught up emotionally in your child’s successes and failures.

*Become aware of your parenting style: some parents are more comfortable with an “it takes a village” approach to raising their child; others dislike interference and take offense when their child is criticized.

Trust Coaches and Trainers To Do Their Job—But Remain Aware

*In allowing your child to join a sports team, you are conceding some authority to a coach or trainer (even though that person might be a parent volunteer) who has specialized knowledge you want your child to absorb. As a general principle, let coaches do their jobs.

*Allow your child to develop a desire to please their coach and succeed.

*Get to know the coach’s style—some combine praise with criticism; others are more sparing with their praise and harsh with their criticism.  Learn to recognize what is usual for the coach.

Assess the Coach’s Behavior and Your Child’s Response

*When the coach gives negative feedback, assess whether it stays within appropriate bounds or becomes too aggressive and potentially damaging.  As expectations for performance—and the stakes—rise, coaching can become more aggressive. Be aware.

*To protect your child’s mental wellbeing, you must draw a red line—rejecting hateful or profane criticism; physical or sexual abuse; physically harmful strategies that could result in injury, nutritional loss, growth issues, or eating disorders; and all performance enhancement medications. More likely, you’ll need to determine the impact of statements such as “You don’t have the drive for this,” or “You are the weak link on the team.”

*Consider whether your child absorbs criticism and is hurt by it or can let criticism slide off more easily. 

*Keep open communication with your child to determine how they’re being impacted by their experience and to pick up clues to whether a coach is crossing a red line.

Keep Your Feelings Off the Field of Play

*It can be difficult, but parents should always stay cool, positive, and supportive. Coaches universally want parents out of the emotional mix, and child athletes must find their own way to deal with the highs and lows of competition.

*Modeling good sportsmanship is strongly advised. Clap and cheer for other people’s children. Demonstrate perspective and humility.  Show an appreciation for the sport.

*Participation in a sport is not always a gateway for your child to professional or even college level competition, but it is a gateway to understanding fair play, team mentality, personal fortitude, decorum, and a myriad of other positive character traits.  It is a template on how to win and lose well. As a parent, you can help your child act in ways that reflect these qualities.

Support Your Child Who is “Being Benched” or is “Not Starting”

*Consider the age and performance level of the child, as well as the goals of the league or team. For younger children, where the level of seriousness is low, coaches and parents should give every child a chance to participate so they gain a positive experience of athletic play, team membership, and personal accomplishment and improvement. If that isn’t happening, polite advocacy is permissible. By late teens, on teams the child has tried out for, the coach is charged with creating a successful team. Parents are discouraged from advocating for their child; the coach must determine who plays and when.

A parent can help the older benched teen interpret the situation, perhaps explaining that the coach appreciates the depth of talent they bring, but that decisions must be based on the goal of winning. If the child is truly unhappy, it’s best for the child to speak with the coach; this can be a good opportunity for the child to learn to voice their perspective and wishes.  The desired outcome may not be achieved, but the child will learn to act on their own behalf.

Keep Goals in Perspective

*The primary goal of the child athlete is participation, exercise, social interaction; success is secondary.

*To determine the best team for your child, discuss the choices with them: do they prefer to be a big fish in a small pond, where success is more likely; or are they serious enough to seek out the most challenging, competitive opportunity?

*Guidance from coaches can also help parents and their child make the best choice.

*A child who struggles with disappointment early on might, over time, become better able to handle the stresses of competition, requiring new priorities when choosing a team.

With this guidance in mind, it’s possible to navigate the wild emotional ride of parenting a child in sports. It’s a simple truth that parents identify with their child’s successes and failures.  Yet they can find joy in developing a spectator mentality, watching in amazement as their child matures into their own version of a champion.

The Counseling Center in Bronxville, a nonprofit organization, offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, through video platforms, telephonically, and in person.  Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793 3388. 

To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, or to make a donation, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.