Politics and the Holiday Table
By Jane Benjamin, PhD, Clinical Director, The Counseling Center
Dec. 19, 2018: Many people experience some degree of anxiety, sadness, wariness, and dread when anticipating having to manage adult relationships over the holiday dinner table. Will there be tension? Will everyone behave themselves? Will Aunt X or Uncle Y drink too much and end up maudlin or combative? Young adults headed home to their families of origin often fear being pulled back into old family dynamics, of reverting to the patterns of behavior and emotion that in one form or another define all family relationships. And then there are the mundane worries: Will the food come out well? Will the weather cooperate? Will everyone travel safely?
In recent years, an additional factor has intensified the built-in stress of holiday meals: The country’s widespread political acrimony now seems more pronounced than most of us have seen in our lifetimes. Some families are lucky enough to all fall on the same side of the political divide, but more often than not, holiday gatherings composed of people with a range of political views. So how best to deal with the possibility that conversations may turn political and contentious and spin out of control?
In most cases, we know before we sit down to a holiday dinner that we will not see eye to eye with certain people at the table. Only rarely do our differences first come to light over hors-d'oeuvres or dessert. Nonetheless, we often act surprised, even outraged, when disagreements arise. Why? Human beings have a natural desire to feel part of a unified clan ... a family that shares similar beliefs, moral values, and a view of the world. A biological imperative underlies our desire for family members, on whom we often depend to help fulfill essential needs, to think and feel as we do in fundamental ways. The need to belong is so powerful that encountering vast differences between our beliefs and those of other family members can produce an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. Disagreeing with a family member feels much more upsetting, and has the potential to create more emotional volatility, than disagreeing with a random person. The holiday table becomes a highly combustible place.
If a political discussion does arise, it’s important to ask yourself, “What is my goal in debating?” Are you actually curious about what the other person thinks about a particular subject? Do you want to understand the other person’s point of view? If the answer is “no,” then how do you expect the discussion to unfold? Will it inevitably become one of the butting heads? Perhaps in these instances, it’s best to avoid political topics altogether.
It’s also important to ask yourself if you truly expect to change someone’s mind. Such an agenda often leads to each side digging into a position while emotions escalate. Adrenaline surges, tempers flare, and angry exchanges flow. It’s important to remember that once the nervous system is sufficiently over-stimulated or flooded, a fight or flight response kicks in, creating a desire to attack or run. Things are said and later regretted. This heated state often leads people to move from criticizing the other person’s ideas to denigrating his or her character. We say things like: “Only an idiot would believe that.” “That’s what racists say.” “I don’t know how you can be this ignorant,” etc. The possibility of constructive dialogue is lost.
So if you feel yourself heating up, it’s best to pause and de-escalate. A number of small, fairly invisible practices can calm your nervous system while you remain in the social situation. You can take a moment of “mindfulness” in which you shift your attention away from the conversation and focus on noticing how you feel ... Are you tense? Are your toes curled? Are your shoulders up around your ears? Notice the chair under you, your feet flat on the floor, your spine against the seatback. Simply bringing attention to the body in this way will be instantly calming.
Some invisible isometric exercises can also help calm the nervous system: Push your hands together, or push down on your chair. Clench your teeth and then relax your jaw. Press your feet into the floor and then release. And most important, breathe ... full, deep breaths.
De-escalating tense, vitriolic conversations is not easy, particularly when they involve someone you care about, someone you love. Finding the strength to manage conflicts and preserve relationships with family members can be a struggle. In these instances, it’s essential to engage not just your mind but also your heart. Tapping into the affection you feel for the person, despite your opposing viewpoints, is an excellent way to cool a heated argument. Remember the ways in which you do feel connected to this person, the qualities you appreciate, the areas where you find common ground, the history you share. Re-engaging with your heart can help to infuse any conversation with the warmth and goodwill that we all hope to feel during the holiday season.
The Counseling Center offers a warm, safe, and confidential place to get help. It has offices in The Reformed Church of Bronxville as well as in Scarsdale, Riverdale, and New York City. For more information, visit www.counselingcenter.org or call its clinical director, Dr. Jane Benjamin, at 914-793-3388.
Pictured here: Dr. Jane Benjamin.
Photo courtesy The Counseling Center
Community Service Organizations Directory
HOME & GARDEN
Bronxville Beautification Council
Organized in 1982, the Bronxville Beautification Council (BBC) is a not-for-profit organization administered by a volunteer Board of Directors. The mission of the BBC is to enhance and maintain the natural and man-made beauty of the village of Bronxville, with an emphasis on the downtown business district.
Click here to learn more
Boulder Ledge Garden Club
Founded in 1966, the Boulder Ledge Garden Club is rooted in a mission to inspire a deeper appreciation and love for gardening and flower arranging. The club is dedicated to fostering and promoting interest and knowledge in gardening.
The Club maintains Bronxville’s Bicentennial Park and other civic gardens. In 2019–2020 the club raised $18,000 to replace trees in the village, reflecting its active role in community beautification. It also holds garden therapy projects and educational garden trips for members.
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Bronxville Giving Garden
The Bronxville Giving Garden is a community-centered garden that donates organic produce to Eastchester Community Action Partnership in Tuckahoe and Community Service Associates in Mount Vernon. The garden is also a gathering place where school children and volunteers can discover the joy of tending plants and growing food.
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Bronxville Green Committee
The Bronxville Green Committee is a volunteer organization that is part of the Village of Bronxville. It proposes and implements environmentally sustainable programs in our community.
You can contact them HERE.
SCOUTING
Bronxville Boy Scouts
The village of Bronxville has a long tradition of scouting. “The troops and packs of Bronxville have maintained the finest scouting organizations and have taught the boys of the Bronxville area to be leaders and outstanding members of the local, national and global communities.”
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Bronxville Girls Scouts
The Girls Scouts is “the world’s preeminent organization dedicated solely to girls where, in an accepting and nurturing environment, girls build character and skills for success in the real world.” In Girl Scouts, “girls discover the fun, friendship and power of girls together. Through the many enriching experiences provided by Girl Scouts, they can grow courageous and strong.”
Here is more information about girl scouts.
HISTORY
Bronxville Historical Conservancy
Inspired by the highly successful Bronxville Centennial Celebration in 1998, the Bronxville Historical Conservancy was founded to record and preserve Bronxville's history and life in the village today.
BRONXVILLE SCHOOL
Bronxville School Foundation
The Bronxville School Foundation, founded in 1991, is a non-profit organization independent from the school with the sole purpose of supporting the school.
The mission of the Bronxville School Foundation is to enhance the quality of public education in our community by engaging the support and energies of educators, citizens, parents, students and alumni.
The Foundation awards grants for projects
CLICK HERE to learn more.
LECTURES, EXHIBITS, CONCERTS
Bronxville Women's Club
The Bronxville Women’s Club offers lectures, exhibits and concerts. It also has a beautiful clubhouse which is available for rental for events.
135 Midland Avenue
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-3252
Concordia Conservatory
Concordia Conservatory, a preeminent center for music education in Westchester and Fairfield Counties, is a welcoming community where children and adults find lifelong inspiration and joy through learning, performing, listening to, and participating with others in music.
The Conservatory’s mission is to inspire, instruct, and enrich lives through music offering excellence in education and performance.
CLICK HERE for more information.
COUNSELING
Counseling Center
Founded in 1971, the mission of the Counseling Center “is to provide a wide range of psychotherapeutic and counseling services to individuals, couples and families by a staff of highly trained, experience and dedicated psychotherapists.
The Counseling Center
180 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-793-3388
www.counselingcenter.org
SERVICE & VOLUNTEERISM
Community Fund of Bronxville, Eastchester & Tuckahoe
The mission of the Community Fund is “to support broad social services in Bronxville 10708, Eastchester and Tuckahoe through grants and technical support to local agencies and community projects. All money raised here in our community stays here in our community.”
15 Park Place
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-8808
www.thecommunityfund.org
Junior League of Bronxville
The Junior League of Bronxville is “an organization of women committed to promoting voluntarism, developing the potential of women and to improving the community through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers. Its purpose is exclusively educational and charitable.”
Rotary Club of Bronxville
The Rotary Club of Bronxville is part of a national network of 1.25 million problem-solvers. They see a world where people unite and take action to create lasting change – across the globe, in our communities, and in ourselves.
READING & LEARNING
Friends of the Bronxville Library
The Friends of the Bronxville Library is a not-for-profit membership association whose mission is to focus attention on the “Library’s services, facilities and needs” as well as sponsor projects and provide materials that are beyond the reach of the Library's regular budget and perform other services.
SENIORS
Gramatan Village
Gramatan Village is a unique community model offering programs, services and social connections that help members continue to live independently in their homes as they age. In addition, GV offers one-on-one consultations and counseling with our experienced staff to guide members through life’s transitions.
Senior Citizens of Bronxville
Senior Citizens of Bronxville is a not-for-profit organization that provides services and programs to seniors within the 10708 zip code area. “Programs cover a wide range of activities from educational seminars and cultural enrichment to community services, bridge classes and exercise.”
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