By Virgil Roberson, L.P., M. Div., NCPsyA, Executive Director of The Counseling Center

June 26, 2024: In our goal-driven society, making a commitment often involves committing to achieving a specific goal.  In this view, you might not commit to the goal until you’ve got a clear idea of what it is and how to reach it, plus the confidence that you can do it.

There’s another way to consider commitment—as a surrendering to a desire, as an opening of oneself to a process.  In this view, the path to the goal might not be clear; in fact, the specifics of the goal itself might be uncertain. But the very act of making the commitment sets you toward a place of discovery and fulfillment.

Let’s say you’d like to run a marathon, a daunting task.  You decide to reframe the situation: you’ll simply start a training program.  You don’t know where it will lead but you make the commitment to train and you start doing it.  Soon you find yourself setting specific, short-term goals.  Eventually you may find yourself preparing for that marathon.  Or maybe not. 

Maybe through the process of regular training you realize that running a marathon isn’t for you after all; your desires and commitments are leading you in new directions.  It’s all good! You discovered something about yourself and you’re continuing to move forward.  All because you made that initial commitment to begin a training program.

Why not take a moment to consider the places in your life where you might make a commitment but hesitate to do so.  Is it regarding a relationship?  A current or new job?  A schedule of exercise?  Beginning an art project you’ve long wanted to tackle? Having children or moving to a new town?  Often we become naysayers to taking that first step; we stay frozen.  Yet the power of committing can open us up to more answers, more possibilities, more potential.

Making a commitment when there’s uncertainty requires courage! But you don’t have to do it alone. A trusted friend or family member can act as a sounding board.  A therapist can become a witness and ally, and help you work through the doubts. It’s the therapist’s job not to push you in one direction or another but to accompany you along the way.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you consider an area of your life that might become open to new possibilities when you make a commitment.

-Can you identify one place where you are fearful of commitment?

-What might be holding you back?

-In contrast, are there areas where you have made a commitment and are living out that process?

-Can you take a moment to give yourself credit for that?

What would it look like if you went all in and made a commitment?  You needn’t propose marriage to your girlfriend, but you might begin to discuss a possible future together.  You don’t have to put your house on the market, but you might arrange to spend a few days in the “perfect” town where you’ve always wanted to live.   Breathe and imagine yourself being fully immersed in this commitment. Does the idea of no longer holding back inspire a feeling of freedom?

Can you name the worst that could happen if you go all in?  Let’s say you’d like a new job.  You’re not going to jump and accept the first job you’re offered; instead, you’re going to seek out people in fields related to where you work now, or where you might like to work, to ask questions to learn about what’s available, what qualifications are required, what salary and benefits you might expect, etc.  Starting the process puts little at risk.  It doesn’t box you in.  Yet it sets in motion circumstances that can suggest new directions to explore and may bring tentative answers that help you refine your search. Eventually your commitment might even lead you to a place and time where you know exactly where you want to go and how to get there. 

Remind yourself that making this kind of commitment still gives you the freedom to make a different choice.  For example, in therapy you might commit to exploring some aspect of who you are, or where you’ve come from, only to realize you’re not ready to go there; it feels too uncomfortable and complex.  That’s ok!  Whether or not you return to this particular exploration at another point in your life, you’ve made that valuable realization because of your initial commitment.

It may seem counterintuitive but by making a commitment without guarantees, you open up possibilities.  W.H. Murray, Deputy Leader of the 1951 Scottish Expedition to Climb Mt. Everest said, “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves, too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would have never occurred otherwise.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no one could have dreamed would have come their way.”

Murray goes on to quote the German philosopher Goethe: “Whatever you can do/or dream you can/Begin/Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”

Murray ends by saying, “Begin it now.”

By letting go of control and making a choice to commit yourself fully, you can create opportunities rather than staying comfortable with what is familiar but static. There’s more to gain than to lose! Begin it now!

The Counseling Center in Bronxville, a nonprofit organization, offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, through video platforms, telephonically, and in person.  Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793 3388. 

To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, or to make a donation, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.