By Peter Clifford     

April 1, 2016:  Are you a middle or high school parent who has come to dread the morning ritual of reviewing the attire each day that your wardrobe-obsessed child has chosen to wear? Are you tired of doing battle with your fashion-crazed adolescent who spends more time matching their outfits than they spend on their homework?

If so, your prayers have been answered! After much study and deliberation, the Bronxville Board of Education has decided that in the coming school year, all middle and high school students will be required to wear a uniform.  

When contacted by MyhometownBronxville, retiring Superintendent David Quattrone commented, "I see this as my parting gift to both the parents and the students of The Bronxville School. I have witnessed firsthand the stress visited upon families who have to deal on a daily basis with the tug-of-war between what is fashion forward and what is fashion suicide. I know for a fact there are parents in our community who are having to choose between harp lessons and that $800 pair of Versace jeans. We have had to double the number of school psychologists in the past year to help all the students deal with the anxiety and anguish of not knowing if Vineyard Vines is really here to stay or is already considered to be today's fashion faux pas."

Dr. Quattrone went on to say, "Numerous research studies have shown that test scores actually increase at schools where uniforms are instituted because students spend more time at home doing school work rather than planning tomorrow's outfit or texting their friends about someone's heinous wardrobe choice."

Tom Nichols, a father of two girls and a member of the board of education, confirmed Dr. Quattrone's remarks. "I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the board has come to this decision. It got to the point where our upstairs hallway has turned into a fashion runway every morning as our older daughter struts back and forth in multiple outfits for our approval or disapproval. We finally drew the line at leopard print leggings."

Chris Atayan, another board member, chimed in, "Other research studies have shown that students are more alert during the day at schools where uniforms are required because students aren't getting up at 5:00 am to Instagram pictures of possible wardrobe options back and forth. And they are more focused in the classroom and less distracted by who is wearing the latest Prada pumps."

Denise Tormey, the president of the school board, admitted that it is unusual, though not unprecedented, for a public school to adopt a uniform. "The board recognizes that it is more the norm for private school students to wear uniforms, but The Bronxville School has in all honesty really considered itself to be a private school that accepts public funding. The board also believes this decision will only further strengthen the local real estate market since brokers will be able to more convincingly tout the private school experience without the exorbitant private school tuition. And The Bronxville School Foundation has generously agreed to underwrite the cost of the uniforms."

When asked about the selection of uniforms, Denise responded, "All the members of the board are huge Downton Abbey fans, so there was unanimous agreement that the style should be very close to the styles of those worn by students at the elite British public schools, which ironically are actually the private schools like Eton and Harrow. Our uniforms are being custom made by the school uniform division of Ralph Lauren, which is well known for doing faux-British better than any other fashion house."

Though the details of the uniforms are still being finalized, the board has asked Ralph Lauren to design a school crest that incorporates the Bronco centered over two crossed lacrosse sticks with an acorn in each corner of the crest to recognize the village's beautiful oak trees. The crest will also feature a new school motto in Latin, "Ad Inspiratum et Aspiratum," which roughly translates as "To Inspire and Aspire." The crests will appear on the boys' and girls' blazers. The plan is for the uniforms to be available by July 1 for fittings.

In speaking about the impact of this decision on the future of the school, Dr. Quattrone stated, "Just as the Common Core has set high standards for academic achievement, we expect these uniforms to set the highest sartorial standards for generations of Bronxville students." 

Happy April Fools' Day!