Jane Benjamin, PhD: The Launch to College and the Art of Disconnecting
Written by Jane Benjamin, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, The Counseling Center
Oct. 29, 2014: We live in an age where being "out of reach" is practically impossible. With cell phones and social media, we are all tethered to one another almost continuously. How does this 24/7 accessibility to one another affect us as parents and how does it affect our kids, particularly as they grow through their teens and occupy wider and wider circles of mobility?
And what is the effect on parents and teens of having such constant communication with one another once the teen launches to college?
Having what is tantamount to an embedded location chip in one's teen is immensely reassuring. It allows parents to track an adolescent's movement and to oversee his or her activities. Once a teen begins to drive, getting a call that lets the parent know "I arrived" is a great comfort. And having one's teen know that if any social situation gets uncomfortable or dangerous, "we are a phone call or a text away" provides an often much-needed safety net for the teen.
But then comes the move to college and often a teen's first real experience of being on his or her own. And now this umbilical cord may need to be re-examined.
In many ways, ages 18 to 23 should be called late late adolescence. It is a time of much experimentation, risk-taking, mistake-making, and confusion. And all of this turmoil is a necessary component of identity formation.
Teens cannot know who they are if they do not discover who they are not. And so the 18- or 19-year-old will have relationships that are unhealthy and do not work. He or she may fail to adequately study and do poorly freshman year.
College students often gain or lose weight and experiment with drinking and drugs. Of course, parents will not want any of these activities to get out of hand. A precipitous weight loss could indicate a burgeoning eating disorder; binge drinking or getting high on a regular basis could indicate a significant drug/alcohol problem. And in these instances, the parents must intervene. But many teens "mess up" in ways that are not as dangerous and are not indicative of emerging psychopathology.
Part of what is difficult in this culture of constant communication is that parents are privy to a blow-by-blow of their college students' activities and so parental worry gets inflated. Remember the college student's Sunday night touch-base phone call with parents way back when? In many ways, this may have been healthier for parents and students alike. For the student, having some distance from parents allows him or her to slog through academic or social "messes" and come out the other side without necessarily needing input from parents. And this is important for an 18- or 19-year-old because it develops emotional muscle . . . or the capacity to work out anxiety-provoking, difficult situations on one's own.
And this distance may also be a welcome relief for parents as well. Hearing that one's teen is struggling or depressed when it is happening is a very different experience for the parent than hearing about it two days later when the teen has resolved it or gotten over it. And perhaps the parents really did not need to be on the emotional roller coaster right next to their child; perhaps one of the luxuries of having one's child at college is that the parent gets to miss some chapters of the teen's life. This is challenging for many parents because it is so easy to be in touch every step of the way and, as a culture, we have become used to communicating our experiences immediately. Refraining from over-communicating may require that the parents recognize and work on their own struggles with separation anxiety.
It is a difficult task as a parent to step back and not track all of one's child's ups and downs. Once that child gets to college, rather than automatically being in constant communication and hearing about every bump in the road, it may be beneficial for parents and students to create some healthy space--space that can be rewarding and transformative for both.
Pictured here: Jane Benjamin, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, of The Counseling Center.
Photo courtesy Jane Benjamin, PhD
Community Service Organizations Directory
Bronxville Beautification Council
Organized in 1982 and incorporated in 1993, the Bronxville Beautification Council (BBC) is a not for profit organization administered by a Board of Directors. Its mission is to enhance and maintain the natural and man-made beauty of Bronxville Village, with emphasis on the downtown business district of Bronxville. The BBC uses the dollars raised in its annual spring solicitation letter to residents to fund the mum, tulip and summer flower plantings downtown and at traffic intersections, as well as the summer hanging baskets. Every few years the group spearheads such major endeavors as the renovation of Leonard Morange Square on the west side of the railroad tracks and the beautification of the Lawrence Hospital traffic circle, which included the addition of plants and the building of the fountain that now makes a gracious western portal to our town. The BBC also works with other civic groups to monitor the aesthetics of retail signage, the consistency of sidewalk materials, and litter and graffiti. During Beautify Bronxville Week, the BBC sponsors a poetry reading and works with Scout groups on the annual village clean-up.
Bronxville Beautification Council
PO Box 127
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-779-6123
Bronxville Boy Scouts
The village of Bronxville has a long tradition of scouting. “The troops and packs of Bronxville have maintained the finest scouting organizations and have taught the boys of the Bronxville area to be leaders and outstanding members of the local, national and global communities.”
There are several Boy Scout Troops in Bronxville, including Troops 1, 2, 4, and 5.
Bronxvillle Girls Scouts
The Girls Scouts is “the world’s preeminent organization dedicated solely to girls where, in an accepting and nurturing environment, girls build character and skills for success in the real world.” In Girl Scouts, “girls discover the fun, friendship and power of girls together. Through the many enriching experiences provided by Girl Scouts, they can grow courageous and strong.”
Bronxville Historical Conservancy
The Bronxville Historical Conservancy was founded in 1998 to further the understanding and appreciation of the history and current life of the village. The Conservancy furthers its mission through the presentation of programs, publications, lectures and special events that foster an awareness of the village's architectural, artistic and cultural heritage, and lends its support for projects designed to strengthen and preserve those legacies. Anyone who is interested in the Bronxville and its history can become a member; varying levels of membership are available.
Bronxville Historical Conservancy
PO Box 989
Bronxville, New York 10708
http://bronxvillehistoricalconservancy.org/
Bronxville School Foundation
The Bronxville School Foundation, founded in 1991, is a non-profit organization independent from the school with the sole purpose of supporting the school. The Foundation raises money each year through donations from school families, community members, and alumni, among others.These contributions fund grants that provide cutting-edge technology, innovative programs and curriculum and other resources that are beyond the scope of public school funding.
177 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-395-0515
https://www.bronxvilleschoolfoundation.org/
Bronxville Women’s Club
The Bronxville Women’s Club offers lectures, exhibits and concerts. It also has a beautiful clubhouse which is available for rental for events.
135 Midland Avenue
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-3252
www.bronxvillewomensclub.org
Bronxville Youth Council
The Bronxville Youth Council provides volunteer and leadership opportunities for high school students in the village of Bronxville.
177 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-395-0500 ext 1789
Counseling Center
Founded in 1971, the mission of the Counseling Center “is to provide a wide range of psychotherapeutic and counseling services to individuals, couples and families by a staff of highly trained, experience and dedicated psychotherapists.
The Counseling Center
180 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-793-3388
www.counselingcenter.org
Community Fund of Bronxville, Eastchester & Tuckahoe
The mission of the Community Fund is “to support broad social services in Bronxville 10708, Eastchester and Tuckahoe through grants and technical support to local agencies and community projects. All money raised here in our community stays here in our community.”
15 Park Place
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-8808
www.thecommunityfund.org
Friends of the Bronxville Library
The Friends of the Bronxville Library is a not-for-profit membership association whose mission is to focus attention on the “Library’s services, facilities and needs” as well as sponsor projects and provide materials that are beyond the reach of the Library’s regular budget and perform other services.
Junior League of Bronxville
The Junior League of Bronxville is “an organization of women committed to promoting voluntarism, developing the potential of women and to improving the community through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers. Its purpose is exclusively educational and charitable.”
Rotary Club of Bronxville
The mission of the Rotary Club of Bronxville is to “encourage and foster the ideal of service as a basis of worthy enterprise and to encourage and foster (1) the development of friendships within the community as an opportunity for service, (2) high ethical standards in business and professions, (3) the application of the ideal of service of each member to his personal and business and community life and (4) the advancement of international understanding, good will and peace through a world fellowship.”
Senior Citizens of Bronxville
Senior Citizens of Bronxville is a not-for-profit organization that provides services and programs to seniors within the 10708 zip code area. “Programs cover a wide range of activities from educational seminars and cultural enrichment, to community services, bridge classes and exercise.”
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