Jane Benjamin, PhD: Facing the Holidays: The Stress of Mandatory Happiness
Written by Jane Benjamin, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, The Counseling Center
Dec. 3, 2014: There is a great deal written about why the holidays are such a stressful time and about what we all must do to minimize the stress.
We spend a lot of time with family; kids are home and their time is unstructured; we eat too much; we drink too much; we spend too much money.
And then there are the many suggestions for reducing stress and "making the most" of the holiday season: plan fun activities; remember to exercise; control spending; eat healthy snacks before the big holiday party; limit alcohol consumption; help those less fortunate, etc.
Even the "tips" for a healthy, happy holiday season can feel stressful and overwhelming. But what is it on a deeper level that makes this period of time from late November until January 2 so difficult for so many people?
There are certain times during the year that are periods of what I like to call mandatory happiness. One is meant to be joyful, grateful, interpersonally connected, and festive at the holidays. And certainly, one is meant to feel happy to be with family members at Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas. Couples are supposed to dress up and go out and have lots of fun on New Year's Eve. Togetherness is meant to go well. (Similarly, spring is a mandatory happiness period: the winter ends, the weather warms up, and the flowers bloom, and one is meant to feel renewed and happier with the ascent into good weather and longer days.)
But what happens for the many people who don't live up to these expectations? If one is depressed, anxious, having financial worries, or experiencing family tension, then the mandate to be "happy" can be very difficult. It can make one feel even lonelier if one fantasizes that everyone else is feeling good. Being surrounded by perceived happiness becomes depressing and thus, in fact, people are more prone to depression at holiday time and during the spring.
We compare ourselves to one another during these times. We see commercials on TV depicting lovely homes with warm, loving holiday dinners and for many, it is a reminder of how profoundly life is not that way. Expectations run high and reality so often falls short.
One of the most stressful parts of the holiday season is the visit home to one's family of origin. What happens when we walk through the doors of our childhood homes? There is a regressive vortex beneath that sucks us all into our old roles, behaviors, and emotions from childhood. It truly can feel like a gravitational force beyond one's control.
How can it be, one might ask, that I am a fulfilled, professional adult with kids of my own, and now as I sit with my parents and my siblings, I feel as if I am five years old again and wanting to scream or cry? Old interpersonal dynamics, old resentments, even old traumas become current once again. It seems to happen in a heartbeat.
So often we emerge from these holiday dinners with guilt about not being our best selves with our families or with pain that old feelings are still there. Being gentle and forgiving with oneself is the best medicine here. This emotional gestalt called family truly is larger than each individual, and so we all find ourselves sucked back into old patterns. If one can muster up humor regarding the situation, that's even better.
It is so important to keep one's expectations realistic as the holidays approach. The decorations don't have to be perfect; the parties don't have to be great; family members may bicker. The notion that other people are seamlessly moving through the holiday season with nothing but joy is a fantasy.
If there is tension in one's family, it is not going to magically disappear because it is December 25. Don't expect it to suddenly be different. Try to resist the urge to compare yourself to the "ideal" family because, in fact, "ideal" is the exception, not the rule.
Families are flawed entities. If one can enter the holiday season with realistic notions about what is possible and what is not possible, this grounded stance may make room for unexpected moments of true connection and warmth.
Pictured here: Dr. Jane Benjamin is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Counseling Center. She works with late adolescents and adults and enjoys doing both short-term as well as long-term intensive psychotherapy. Her particular areas of expertise include identity formation in adolescents and young adults, self-injury, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. She received her BA from Stanford University and her MA and PhD from the University of Michigan and completed a post-doctoral fellowship at the University of Michigan Hospital Department of Psychiatry. She has been working in the field for over 25 years. Dr. Benjamin can be reached at 914-793-3388, ext. 122, or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
Photo courtesy Jane Benjamin, PhD
Community Service Organizations Directory
HOME & GARDEN
Bronxville Beautification Council
Organized in 1982, the Bronxville Beautification Council (BBC) is a not-for-profit organization administered by a volunteer Board of Directors. The mission of the BBC is to enhance and maintain the natural and man-made beauty of the village of Bronxville, with an emphasis on the downtown business district.
Click here to learn more
Boulder Ledge Garden Club
Founded in 1966, the Boulder Ledge Garden Club is rooted in a mission to inspire a deeper appreciation and love for gardening and flower arranging. The club is dedicated to fostering and promoting interest and knowledge in gardening.
The Club maintains Bronxville’s Bicentennial Park and other civic gardens. In 2019–2020 the club raised $18,000 to replace trees in the village, reflecting its active role in community beautification. It also holds garden therapy projects and educational garden trips for members.
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Bronxville Giving Garden
The Bronxville Giving Garden is a community-centered garden that donates organic produce to Eastchester Community Action Partnership in Tuckahoe and Community Service Associates in Mount Vernon. The garden is also a gathering place where school children and volunteers can discover the joy of tending plants and growing food.
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Bronxville Green Committee
The Bronxville Green Committee is a volunteer organization that is part of the Village of Bronxville. It proposes and implements environmentally sustainable programs in our community.
You can contact them HERE.
SCOUTING
Bronxville Boy Scouts
The village of Bronxville has a long tradition of scouting. “The troops and packs of Bronxville have maintained the finest scouting organizations and have taught the boys of the Bronxville area to be leaders and outstanding members of the local, national and global communities.”
Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for more information
Bronxville Girls Scouts
The Girls Scouts is “the world’s preeminent organization dedicated solely to girls where, in an accepting and nurturing environment, girls build character and skills for success in the real world.” In Girl Scouts, “girls discover the fun, friendship and power of girls together. Through the many enriching experiences provided by Girl Scouts, they can grow courageous and strong.”
Here is more information about girl scouts.
HISTORY
Bronxville Historical Conservancy
Inspired by the highly successful Bronxville Centennial Celebration in 1998, the Bronxville Historical Conservancy was founded to record and preserve Bronxville's history and life in the village today.
BRONXVILLE SCHOOL
Bronxville School Foundation
The Bronxville School Foundation, founded in 1991, is a non-profit organization independent from the school with the sole purpose of supporting the school.
The mission of the Bronxville School Foundation is to enhance the quality of public education in our community by engaging the support and energies of educators, citizens, parents, students and alumni.
The Foundation awards grants for projects
CLICK HERE to learn more.
LECTURES, EXHIBITS, CONCERTS
Bronxville Women's Club
The Bronxville Women’s Club offers lectures, exhibits and concerts. It also has a beautiful clubhouse which is available for rental for events.
135 Midland Avenue
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-3252
Concordia Conservatory
Concordia Conservatory, a preeminent center for music education in Westchester and Fairfield Counties, is a welcoming community where children and adults find lifelong inspiration and joy through learning, performing, listening to, and participating with others in music.
The Conservatory’s mission is to inspire, instruct, and enrich lives through music offering excellence in education and performance.
CLICK HERE for more information.
COUNSELING
Counseling Center
Founded in 1971, the mission of the Counseling Center “is to provide a wide range of psychotherapeutic and counseling services to individuals, couples and families by a staff of highly trained, experience and dedicated psychotherapists.
The Counseling Center
180 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-793-3388
www.counselingcenter.org
SERVICE & VOLUNTEERISM
Community Fund of Bronxville, Eastchester & Tuckahoe
The mission of the Community Fund is “to support broad social services in Bronxville 10708, Eastchester and Tuckahoe through grants and technical support to local agencies and community projects. All money raised here in our community stays here in our community.”
15 Park Place
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-8808
www.thecommunityfund.org
Junior League of Bronxville
The Junior League of Bronxville is “an organization of women committed to promoting voluntarism, developing the potential of women and to improving the community through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers. Its purpose is exclusively educational and charitable.”
Rotary Club of Bronxville
The Rotary Club of Bronxville is part of a national network of 1.25 million problem-solvers. They see a world where people unite and take action to create lasting change – across the globe, in our communities, and in ourselves.
READING & LEARNING
Friends of the Bronxville Library
The Friends of the Bronxville Library is a not-for-profit membership association whose mission is to focus attention on the “Library’s services, facilities and needs” as well as sponsor projects and provide materials that are beyond the reach of the Library's regular budget and perform other services.
SENIORS
Gramatan Village
Gramatan Village is a unique community model offering programs, services and social connections that help members continue to live independently in their homes as they age. In addition, GV offers one-on-one consultations and counseling with our experienced staff to guide members through life’s transitions.
Senior Citizens of Bronxville
Senior Citizens of Bronxville is a not-for-profit organization that provides services and programs to seniors within the 10708 zip code area. “Programs cover a wide range of activities from educational seminars and cultural enrichment to community services, bridge classes and exercise.”
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