Jane Benjamin, PhD: Facing the Holidays: The Stress of Mandatory Happiness
Written by Jane Benjamin, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, The Counseling Center
Dec. 3, 2014: There is a great deal written about why the holidays are such a stressful time and about what we all must do to minimize the stress.
We spend a lot of time with family; kids are home and their time is unstructured; we eat too much; we drink too much; we spend too much money.
And then there are the many suggestions for reducing stress and "making the most" of the holiday season: plan fun activities; remember to exercise; control spending; eat healthy snacks before the big holiday party; limit alcohol consumption; help those less fortunate, etc.
Even the "tips" for a healthy, happy holiday season can feel stressful and overwhelming. But what is it on a deeper level that makes this period of time from late November until January 2 so difficult for so many people?
There are certain times during the year that are periods of what I like to call mandatory happiness. One is meant to be joyful, grateful, interpersonally connected, and festive at the holidays. And certainly, one is meant to feel happy to be with family members at Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas. Couples are supposed to dress up and go out and have lots of fun on New Year's Eve. Togetherness is meant to go well. (Similarly, spring is a mandatory happiness period: the winter ends, the weather warms up, and the flowers bloom, and one is meant to feel renewed and happier with the ascent into good weather and longer days.)
But what happens for the many people who don't live up to these expectations? If one is depressed, anxious, having financial worries, or experiencing family tension, then the mandate to be "happy" can be very difficult. It can make one feel even lonelier if one fantasizes that everyone else is feeling good. Being surrounded by perceived happiness becomes depressing and thus, in fact, people are more prone to depression at holiday time and during the spring.
We compare ourselves to one another during these times. We see commercials on TV depicting lovely homes with warm, loving holiday dinners and for many, it is a reminder of how profoundly life is not that way. Expectations run high and reality so often falls short.
One of the most stressful parts of the holiday season is the visit home to one's family of origin. What happens when we walk through the doors of our childhood homes? There is a regressive vortex beneath that sucks us all into our old roles, behaviors, and emotions from childhood. It truly can feel like a gravitational force beyond one's control.
How can it be, one might ask, that I am a fulfilled, professional adult with kids of my own, and now as I sit with my parents and my siblings, I feel as if I am five years old again and wanting to scream or cry? Old interpersonal dynamics, old resentments, even old traumas become current once again. It seems to happen in a heartbeat.
So often we emerge from these holiday dinners with guilt about not being our best selves with our families or with pain that old feelings are still there. Being gentle and forgiving with oneself is the best medicine here. This emotional gestalt called family truly is larger than each individual, and so we all find ourselves sucked back into old patterns. If one can muster up humor regarding the situation, that's even better.
It is so important to keep one's expectations realistic as the holidays approach. The decorations don't have to be perfect; the parties don't have to be great; family members may bicker. The notion that other people are seamlessly moving through the holiday season with nothing but joy is a fantasy.
If there is tension in one's family, it is not going to magically disappear because it is December 25. Don't expect it to suddenly be different. Try to resist the urge to compare yourself to the "ideal" family because, in fact, "ideal" is the exception, not the rule.
Families are flawed entities. If one can enter the holiday season with realistic notions about what is possible and what is not possible, this grounded stance may make room for unexpected moments of true connection and warmth.
Pictured here: Dr. Jane Benjamin is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Counseling Center. She works with late adolescents and adults and enjoys doing both short-term as well as long-term intensive psychotherapy. Her particular areas of expertise include identity formation in adolescents and young adults, self-injury, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. She received her BA from Stanford University and her MA and PhD from the University of Michigan and completed a post-doctoral fellowship at the University of Michigan Hospital Department of Psychiatry. She has been working in the field for over 25 years. Dr. Benjamin can be reached at 914-793-3388, ext. 122, or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
Photo courtesy Jane Benjamin, PhD
Community Service Organizations Directory
Bronxville Beautification Council
Organized in 1982 and incorporated in 1993, the Bronxville Beautification Council (BBC) is a not for profit organization administered by a Board of Directors. Its mission is to enhance and maintain the natural and man-made beauty of Bronxville Village, with emphasis on the downtown business district of Bronxville. The BBC uses the dollars raised in its annual spring solicitation letter to residents to fund the mum, tulip and summer flower plantings downtown and at traffic intersections, as well as the summer hanging baskets. Every few years the group spearheads such major endeavors as the renovation of Leonard Morange Square on the west side of the railroad tracks and the beautification of the Lawrence Hospital traffic circle, which included the addition of plants and the building of the fountain that now makes a gracious western portal to our town. The BBC also works with other civic groups to monitor the aesthetics of retail signage, the consistency of sidewalk materials, and litter and graffiti. During Beautify Bronxville Week, the BBC sponsors a poetry reading and works with Scout groups on the annual village clean-up.
Bronxville Beautification Council
PO Box 127
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-779-6123
Bronxville Boy Scouts
The village of Bronxville has a long tradition of scouting. “The troops and packs of Bronxville have maintained the finest scouting organizations and have taught the boys of the Bronxville area to be leaders and outstanding members of the local, national and global communities.”
There are several Boy Scout Troops in Bronxville, including Troops 1, 2, 4, and 5.
Bronxvillle Girls Scouts
The Girls Scouts is “the world’s preeminent organization dedicated solely to girls where, in an accepting and nurturing environment, girls build character and skills for success in the real world.” In Girl Scouts, “girls discover the fun, friendship and power of girls together. Through the many enriching experiences provided by Girl Scouts, they can grow courageous and strong.”
Bronxville Historical Conservancy
The Bronxville Historical Conservancy was founded in 1998 to further the understanding and appreciation of the history and current life of the village. The Conservancy furthers its mission through the presentation of programs, publications, lectures and special events that foster an awareness of the village's architectural, artistic and cultural heritage, and lends its support for projects designed to strengthen and preserve those legacies. Anyone who is interested in the Bronxville and its history can become a member; varying levels of membership are available.
Bronxville Historical Conservancy
PO Box 989
Bronxville, New York 10708
http://bronxvillehistoricalconservancy.org/
Bronxville School Foundation
The Bronxville School Foundation, founded in 1991, is a non-profit organization independent from the school with the sole purpose of supporting the school. The Foundation raises money each year through donations from school families, community members, and alumni, among others.These contributions fund grants that provide cutting-edge technology, innovative programs and curriculum and other resources that are beyond the scope of public school funding.
177 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-395-0515
https://www.bronxvilleschoolfoundation.org/
Bronxville Women’s Club
The Bronxville Women’s Club offers lectures, exhibits and concerts. It also has a beautiful clubhouse which is available for rental for events.
135 Midland Avenue
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-3252
www.bronxvillewomensclub.org
Bronxville Youth Council
The Bronxville Youth Council provides volunteer and leadership opportunities for high school students in the village of Bronxville.
177 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-395-0500 ext 1789
Counseling Center
Founded in 1971, the mission of the Counseling Center “is to provide a wide range of psychotherapeutic and counseling services to individuals, couples and families by a staff of highly trained, experience and dedicated psychotherapists.
The Counseling Center
180 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-793-3388
www.counselingcenter.org
Community Fund of Bronxville, Eastchester & Tuckahoe
The mission of the Community Fund is “to support broad social services in Bronxville 10708, Eastchester and Tuckahoe through grants and technical support to local agencies and community projects. All money raised here in our community stays here in our community.”
15 Park Place
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-8808
www.thecommunityfund.org
Friends of the Bronxville Library
The Friends of the Bronxville Library is a not-for-profit membership association whose mission is to focus attention on the “Library’s services, facilities and needs” as well as sponsor projects and provide materials that are beyond the reach of the Library’s regular budget and perform other services.
Junior League of Bronxville
The Junior League of Bronxville is “an organization of women committed to promoting voluntarism, developing the potential of women and to improving the community through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers. Its purpose is exclusively educational and charitable.”
Rotary Club of Bronxville
The mission of the Rotary Club of Bronxville is to “encourage and foster the ideal of service as a basis of worthy enterprise and to encourage and foster (1) the development of friendships within the community as an opportunity for service, (2) high ethical standards in business and professions, (3) the application of the ideal of service of each member to his personal and business and community life and (4) the advancement of international understanding, good will and peace through a world fellowship.”
Senior Citizens of Bronxville
Senior Citizens of Bronxville is a not-for-profit organization that provides services and programs to seniors within the 10708 zip code area. “Programs cover a wide range of activities from educational seminars and cultural enrichment, to community services, bridge classes and exercise.”
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