By Richard W. Shoup, D. Min., and Virgil Roberson, L.P., M. Div., NCPsyA, Executive Director, The Counseling Center
April 3, 2024: Couples seek help all the time with a relationship in deep trouble. They may not be headed for immediate separation or divorce, but they know that things are not nearly as good as they used to be, and some precipitating event usually occurs that makes them think they need help working on their relationship. Many couples hope to make the relationship better, others want help in figuring out if this is the right relationship for them going forward, and still others are pretty sure they need to break up because their hurts are too deep, the patterns of destructive behavior are too ingrained, and the relationship is going nowhere.
We couples therapists often turn to the research of Dr. John Gottman, American psychology researcher and expert on coupledom whose book The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse describes four behaviors that can be warning signs of a deteriorating relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism arises when either partner resorts to “you are” or “you did” statements, rather than “I feel” statements toward the other. A discussion that starts out to try to solve a problem turns into a mutual blame fest and character assassination. It often escalates higher and higher in intensity and volume until the couple is bashing each other.
Contempt can appear as non-verbal methods of expressing judgement. When one person is speaking, the other one is sighing deeply, making a face, or rolling their eyes--showing that they do not accept one word their partner is saying. Gottman says this particular horseman is indicative of the probable outcome of the relationship; he assumes the couple will separate unless, with help, they can break out of this pattern of behavior.
The sarcastic postures that express contempt can evolve into the third horseman, defensiveness, an automatic defense of one’s behavior. One or both parties will not accept the points made by the other and will try to deflect them or push them away. Fights often result in which each partner returns the criticism, even escalating it, without taking responsibility for any part of the interaction. In other words, each member of the couple sees the other as fully responsible for what is not working in the relationship. This, too, will prevent the couple from getting anywhere.
Couples are rarely able to hear and relate to each other once the communication becomes either/or, black/white, right/wrong. The fourth horseman, stonewalling, can then come into play. Stonewalling involves a conscious shutting down, an emotional withdrawal, a “flight” response, and a blocking out of what the other person is saying. Leaving the room, not listening, texting, or just plain ignoring the other person, especially when they are trying to make an important point, are all examples of stonewalling.
All of these patterns of behavior can be improved with conscious effort and the help of a trained couples therapist. If you recognize one of the above behaviors in your relationship now and then, it may not indicate a serious deterioration; but if you recognize all of them often, the relationship needs emergency help! So don’t delay. Three good people working together can make a relationship better!
The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.
The Bereavement Center of Westchester
670 White Plains Road
Scarsdale, New York 10707
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Sunrise Senior Living
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Mount Vernon, New York 10552
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The Osborn
101 Theall Road
Rye, New York 10580
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The Maxwell Institute
The Maxwell Institute of St. Vincent's Westchester offers outpatient chemical dependency treatment and education services for adults, adolescents and their families. Treatment includes individual and group psychotherapy, couples counseling, and psychiatric evaluation and medication management when indicated. The Institute welcomes individuals and family members who are experiencing marital and/or work-related distress as a result of alcoholism and other forms of chemical dependency.
The Maxwell Institute also offers community education services through its programs in drug and alcohol prevention in the schools. For persons wishing to become credentialed alcoholism and substance abuse counselors (CASACS) in New York State, the "Maxtrain" program provides the 350 classroom education hours that are an important part of the credentialing requirements.
The Maxwell Institute is grateful for the support of The Community Fund of Bronxville-Eastchester-Tuckahoe.
92 Yonkers Ave
Tuckahoe, NY 10707
(914) 337-6033
Counseling Center
Founded in 1971, the mission of the Counseling Center “is to provide a wide range of psychotherapeutic and counseling services to individuals, couples and families by a staff of highly trained, experience and dedicated psychotherapists.
Director: Virgil Roberson
The Counseling Center
180 Pondfield Road Bronxville,
New York 10708
914-793-3388
10 Studio Arcade
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-1157
Bronxville Dental Care
Jenny A. Kanganis, D.D.S.
Guy N. Minoli, D.D.S.
Since 1994, Dr. Kanganis and Dr. Minoli of Bronxville Dental Care have been leaders in the dental community, providing exceptional dentistry to generations of Bronxville families. They have a long history of excellence and have earned a reputation built on trust, compassion, and dedication. Drs. Kanganis and Minoli believe in a conservative, holistic, and minimally invasive approach to dentistry. Bronxville Dental Care welcomes patients of all ages and offers a comprehensive range of services, including cosmetic and restorative dentistry, implants, and pediatric dentistry. Dr. Kanganis especially loves treating children. As a mother herself of two recent Bronxville High School grads, she understands the importance of helping children to feel comfortable during their visits, while earning their trust and teaching them to become active participants in their oral health.
20 Studio Arcade
Bronxville, New York 10708
(914) 337-6536
www.bronxvilledentalcare.com
Dr. Anthony Fiore
44 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-3863
Dr. Quentin M. Murphy
77 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-1004
Scarsdale Pediatric Dental
777 Post Rd.
Scarsdale, NY 10583-5000
Phone: 914. 472. 9090
http://www.scarsdalepediatricdental.com/
Dr. Michael J. Vitale
1 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-8430
Dr. Lesa Kelly
77 Quaker Ridge Road
New Rochelle, New York
914-637-2663
Dr. Neil Goldberg
77 Pondfield Road Ste 2
Bronxville, New York 10708
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ENT and Allergy Associates
1 Elm Street
Tuckahoe, New York 10707
Lawrence Home Care of Westchester
670 White Plains Road
Scarsdale, NY 10707
(914) 787-6158
www.lawrencehomecare.org
Jansen Hospice and Pallative Care
670 White Plains Road
Scarsdale, New York 10583
(914) 787-6158
NewYork-Presbyterian Westchester
NewYork-Presbyterian Westchester provides access to primary care physicians and specialists from ColumbiaDoctors, the faculty practice Columbia University Irving Medical Center and NewYork-Presbyterian Medical Group Westchester.
The hospital includes a cancer center, maternity center, breast health center, two cardiac catheterization labs, and a state-designated Stroke Center.
55 Palmer Avenue in Bronxville
914-787-1000 Main
Dr. Anne Galloway
77 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-4986
Dr. Kerrianne Page
14 Studio Arcade
914-779-9066
Dr. Raymond Chow
700 White Plains Road
Scarsdale, New York
Dr. Polly Kanganis
4 Studio Arcade, Bronxville, NY 10708
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-771-9441
Dr. Thomas J. Rubeo Jr. MD
Bronxville Women's Care, Pllc
One Pondfield Road, Suite 302
Bronxville, NY 10708
Dr. Patricia Halloran
55 Park Avenue
Bronxville, New York 10708
914-337-1239
Dr. Joseph Ciccio
1 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, New York 10708
Dr. Peter Rizzo
77 Pondfield Road
914-337-1118
Dr. Michael Elia
1 Stone Place
Bronxville, New York 10708
Westchester Health Pediatrics (formerly Children’s Medical Practice of Bronxville)
1 Elm Street
Tuckahoe, New York 10707
914-337-7474
Scarsdale Pediatric Associates
2 Overhill Road Suite 220
Scarsdale, New York 10580
914-725-0800
Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine
495 Central Avenue
Scarsdale, New York