From The Counseling Center: Change is Hard
By Jennifer Naparstek Klein, Psy.D., Clinical Director of The Counseling Center
Feb. 7, 2024: Change is hard—no doubt about it! It is often considerably easier to see how we’d like others to change than to authentically acknowledge how we might shift our behavior or rethink our contribution to patterns of behavior that hold us back.
Some change is foisted upon us and makes us unbearably sad, like the death of loved ones. Some change is forced upon us because people we love need to grow, and their lives take them further away, like a child launching to college. Difficult change is often decided by others, like the loss of a job. And some change is just part of the aging process, which is also sometimes hard to accept!
When considering changes you’d like to see in your life, or adjusting to changes imposed upon you, especially changes in your relationships, you might ask questions that have the potential of opening up new ways of looking at the situation.
First, you might ask: What kind of change can I make that will benefit the people I love? By first focusing your attention on the people important to you, rather than on yourself, you might immediately see the situation differently. Your perspective might widen and new ideas come to you.
Then ask: What kind of change can I make that will benefit myself? By asking this question, change becomes not something you “must do” because of internal and external pressures but something you want to do because you will enjoy the rewards.
As you consider more deeply, you might ask: If I let go of something or someone in my life whom I’ve loved, what am I most afraid of losing? Often, identifying our fears is the first step in taming them. Perhaps you’ll find that what you’re afraid of losing is something which had value in the past but has less value now. Or that in a real way, what you valued has already been lost to you. However painful these realizations, they can often help illuminate a way forward.
When we cling to relationships that are having a negative impact on us, it can help to ask: If I let go of something or someone in my life that does harm to me, what will I be sacrificing? Naming what you’ll be giving up may make it easier to let it go.
Change often brings losses as well as benefits. If you anticipate the loss of something that will inevitably come with the change you’re contemplating, you might ask: Can I make up in some way for what I will lose if I make this change? Are there people or experiences that can fill the hole left behind?
Sometimes change involves a loss of power. For example, you might be reluctant to leave a job that has become toxic because you don’t want to lose the income, authority, and prestige that come with it. Or you might have power over someone in a relationship that is no longer serving your needs; a desire to retain that power makes you reluctant to give up the relationship. In that case you might seek clarity by asking: What power might I lose if I give up my authority in this situation? What freedom might I gain?
Often making change requires summoning courage and stepping into the discomfort of risk-taking. To keep your eye on the prize, you might ask: What power, what reward might I gain if I step forward into discomfort or risk?
Finally, everyone can use a little help along the way. So ask: Where can I find guidance, help, expertise, or education to help me make or adjust to this specific change? Keep a notebook during the process and refer back to it to remind you of the progress you’ve made and identify next steps to take.
Change is hard, whether you initiate it or it’s foisted upon you, but taking time to ask the right questions and carefully consider the answers can be first steps that will ultimately lead you in rewarding new directions.
The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. For more information on The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.
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