By Jennifer Jordan, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, The Counseling Center

Jan. 10, 2023" Do you have a hard time saying “no”?  Like many of us, you might be uncomfortable letting others down. When someone asks for your time, help, money or expertise, a reflex to please can take over.  And before you know it, you are running that event, serving on that committee, taking on that extra work project. Perhaps flattered, perhaps conflict avoidant, you find yourself changing your plans, hosting, lending money, coaching, carpooling, or committing to an activity that doesn’t meet your needs, schedule, or budget. 

The problem is, with endless requests—and they are endless!--you can wind up feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and taken for granted. Things that matter most to you can suffer. You may even find yourself resenting the very people you were hoping to please. 

Being assertive and setting boundaries can help. Ask for time “to think about it.”  Identify your priorities and weigh each new request according to how closely it aligns with your goals, how much time and energy you have, and how much satisfaction you expect the activity to bring.  When you do need to say no, you don’t need to explain; you’ll have a clear understanding of why you’re making that choice.  And the commitments you do take on will be much more meaningful and rewarding. 

Still, for people determined not to disappoint others, these self-advocacy skills can be hard. You might feel you’re not living up to others’ expectations, or even up to your own expectations. You may see peers stepping up, and feel you’ve failed if you don’t do the same.  People-pleasing tendencies usually start in childhood as a way to avoid criticism and feel safe and loved.  In adulthood, saying “no” to another’s agenda can still bring on negative feelings like guilt and shame.

So next time you want to say “no” but are having trouble, flip the script with a positive reframe and focus on what you are saying “yes” to instead:   

-YES to much-needed rest.

-YES to precious time protected for your partner, family, friends, or faith.

-YES to commitments toward fitness, schoolwork, home projects, healthy cooking.

-YES to activities that are more fulfilling for you.

-YES to money saved for experiences or purchases you prioritize.

-YES to less stress and being more present and intentional in your life.

When you value your own needs, goals, priorities, and health, you learn to say “yes” to saying “no.” The reward can be greater satisfaction and overall well-being. You will radiate this to others, giving back in the best sense possible.

The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. For more information on The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.